Only This & Nothing More

You made me smile
when I hadn’t smiled
in too long

you made me look forward
to tomorrow
when I’d dreaded so many

you made me happy
when for so long
I’d felt worthless

and for that
I am
forever grateful

When you’ve been hurt
properly hurt
like your heart’s fallen
into an abyss
the thought of it
happening again
can be terrifying

so you stop caring
you stop letting people in
you stop loving
you stop living

don’t

don’t let the fear
of being hurt
stop you
from experiencing life

Experiences
are what shape us

what we experience
whether
good or bad
make us
who we are

You wish your life
was a Sofia Coppola
movie
so even it nothing
profoundly interesting happened
there would still be
a deeper meaning
to your existence

Drunkenly spouting my thoughts
to anyone that will listen
words that mean nothing
words
that mean so much

verbal vomit
covering everyone

I’m drifting

as a child
I thought my purpose in life
was to meet someone
love them
have a child
love them

Gradually
I realised
this wasn’t what I wanted

so I’m drifting
not knowing
what I want
or why I’m here

My denial of the
existence of love
was in fact a denial
of something different
a way of hiding
what I really felt

it’s not love that
I don’t believe in
it’s that I don’t
believe anyone could
love me
truly love me

it’s not that
there’s no love

it’s that there’s
nothing in me to love

As I’ve grown
I’ve become less envious
of people
for what they possess
the way they look
the company they keep

I now
instead
covet the way they think
the way they live
without fear or apprehension
the way their anxieties
hold no sway over them

I envy that

I was always told
not to talk to strangers
but
it’s something I’ve
constantly disobeyed

the girl at the bus stop
with the tattoo
of a verse from
my favourite poem

the old man covered in piercings
who gave me a cigarette
and
told me about the time
he met the Sex Pistols

the woman I met in a bar
who taught me
that life is for living
and stuff is just stuff
is just stuff

I sat on the cliff top
my lungs filled
with sea air and smoke
and thought of you
thought of how
I’d like to lay there
lay there
next to you

until the ground crumbled
crumbled
crumbled away
beneath us